Josh and Matthew

My boys are two of the most incredible little human beings that I've ever seen. Josh, my 11-year old, is thoughtful, sensitive, and very much in touch with the world around him. He is very passionate about his hobbies and interests, currently soccer and paintball. Matthew, my 8-soon-to-be-9-year-old, is my daredevil. If there's a ramp, he'll jump it. He is also very passionate about his hobbies, which over the last year have ranged from origami (he taught his class how to make all of the animals that he learned how to make on YouTube...), magic (again, he put on magic shows using all of the tricks that he learned on YouTube....), arts and crafts (anything that you can imagine....our house is full of scraps of paper and anything else that you can imagine), and whatever else he comes across. Both of them are very mature and extraordinary young men. Many people tell me so on a regular basis, and their teachers tell me about how intelligent and creative that they are. We know all of these things to be true..... then we come home and begin our night-time routines....

Most nights at the Parker household probably resemble many other households of parents with younger children. The typical homework, dinner, shower, pajama, tooth brushing, and other mundane routines that we do EVERY night... This is pretty standard stuff. Homework....assuming that all books and assignments are brought home and brought to our attention....is generally not that complex and difficult of an issue. The aforementioned assumptions usually are.... Dinner is normally also not that big of an issue. It is usually out of a box or a can (neither my wife or I are chefs), and our boys are pretty good eaters. Showers....this is where we normally hit our snags. After we use our household intercom to get their attention above their closed doors and blaring televisions (consists of either me or their mother screaming across the house...), we summon both children. First, we have to determine who will go first, which generally devolves into an argument about who has gone first for the last forty-seven times (much to my Mom's chagrin, I have resorted to a coin flip....simple, easy, and incontrovertible). Then we give instructions.....basically, wash your hair and wash your body. After we determine who goes first, the unlucky victim turns the water on for what seems like an hour and waits for it to get hot enough. During the wait, a strange phenomenon occurs. It seems when you combine the lack of clothing and the mirror in the bathroom, a sort of delirium sets in, complete with strange facial expressions and body spasms... When the appropriate temperature is reached (apparently it takes 10-15 minutes for this to occur...after enough water has gone down the drain to fill Lake Ponchetrain), they gets in. Then they stand there......and stand there....and stand there. After another 10-15 minutes, the intercom again is used when we request an update on their progress. They are usually finishing washing their hair. When the unlucky victor emerges, we do a cursory examination (smell their hair, look over their bodies...usually to find a patch of dry hair on the front of their head because they didnt want to risk soap in their eyes...). Assuming a follow-up wash is not required, we summon the winnder of the coin flip to start round two. The cycle continues as our patience and strength disappears. As each completes their shower, we give specific instructions (the SAME instructions EVERY night) about getting their pajamas on, brushing their teeth, taking out contacts, etc. Rarely are the tasks completed with out a follow-up request, but we get lucky on occasion. They whole time that we are using our intercom and issuing these instructions, I keep thinking... they are going to get it someday. My wife keeps counting down an imaginary clock saying that she has until they are 18 to train them to go out into the world and be self sufficient. I don't have the heart to tell her that in all likelihood they will be typical males that still struggle with the aforementioned mundane tasks into adulthood. I know my children are brilliant, intelligent, and creative beings that have unlimited potential. I just hope that there is not a section on "Showering" on the S.A.T. or A.C.T. ......